100 lies to tell a neophyte

On a previous issue of 8-DAYS, a book called "100 lies to tell kids" was reviewed. Some of the lies included:

1. Eggs talk to each other after you close the fridge door.

2. If you collect 100 pieces of cat poo, you can take it to the post office and exchange it for money.

I should check out that book when I next go to a bookshop. XD

I attended Mass on Corpus Christi last Sunday with a neophyte who, for her first time, received Holy Communion in both species. When she returned to her seat, I asked her how it was, and she said it was delicious! So I told her to watch the priest. Mass on Corpus Christi was special, because there is an unusually large amount of wine that is consecrated. The priest usually doesn't drink it all himself. When the queue ends, the priest will look around the congregation. That is when you should raise your hand and wave. If the priest selects you, you can go up and help him to finish the wine.

It almost worked. Maybe if I wasn't grinning so broadly, she would have been fooled. After that, we devised a list of lies that Catholics can tell neophytes:

2. You can only receive Holy Communion once a week.

3. When you enter the confessional box, you must put on a metal headband around your head. In this way, the priest will be able to look into your mind and find out whether you are telling the truth or not. If you tell lies in the confessional, he will give you an electric shock. So tell the truth!

4. The purpose of the Sacrament of Confirmation is to confirm your future marital status. If you are seeing someone exclusively when you receive the sacrament, you will be confirmed to be married in future; if you are not seeing anyone when you receive the sacrament, you will be confirmed to be a priest or religious brother or sister.

5. If you are in the state of sin and you still insist on receiving Holy Communion, the bread will turn into a piece of flesh in your mouth. And you must swallow it, blood and all!

6. If the person before you leaves the confessional box with a smile on his or her face, it means that the priest inside will give you a host to eat after he absolves you of his sins. You must wait inside until he gives you the host. If he doesn't give it to you, you must ask for it. Sometimes priests forget.

7. The baptism of the Holy Spirit means that each person is giving a glass of water and everyone is to stand in a line. When the Holy Spirit appears as a tongue of fire and flies pass you, you must try to put out the fire with the water in the glass. The first person to succeed in putting out the fire is considered to have baptised the Holy Spirit.

8. If the priest gives a good homily that strikes you in some way, remember to applause even if no one else thinks so.

9. Priests who wear purple-coloured vestments are gay.

10. When receiving the sacrament of Confirmation, the bishop will slap you on the cheek. You must slap him back.

 

Would you like to help with the other 90 lies to tell a neophyte? XD

 

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