Question: Is it possible to overcome addiction to pornography and masturbation?
Father E.T. has always been an inspiration to me. He was the first priest I had ever heard talk about masturbation. It was during a camp in NUS Catholic Students Society that he was invited to give a session before the participants were to receive the Sacrament of Reconciliation.
During his session, he shared on his struggles with the addiction to masturbation that he had when he was an altar boy. He remembered how guilty he felt whenever he received the Eucharist by hand, “the same hand I used to do it”, he said during that session.
I suppose if I have someone to thank, it would be him, because he was the first priest to give me hope. He gave me hope to believe that it was possible to overcome this addiction. In addition to hope of overcoming it, it was possible to become a priest in spite of such a guilt-causing addiction.
I met him the other day. He still struggles to remain chaste in his celibate life today, and yes, he still continues to be an inspiration to me.
Something he shared during our recent encounter made a lot of sense. He shared that as humans, our hearts are not meant to say “no”, but to say “yes”. If we always say “no” to sex, “no” to women, we end up repressing our sexual drive, which is a healthy thing.
Rather than saying “no”, the Church teaches us to say “yes” to God, like Mother Mary did all her life. That is also why Mary is such an inspirational model of chastity for us.
There was a time when I wondered: is it possible to overcome this addiction to masturbation and pornography? I see this question appear from time to time in this blog’s search engine terms as well.
I’ve thought about answering that question for several months now, but I always wondered whether it was safe to answer that question. And to those who are wondering, I want to give you hope. The answer is:
Yes! It is possible to overcome the addiction. But you cannot do it on your own.
Have you ever said to God, “I want to be pure and chaste” only to fall into the habit again? It is not enough to want to be pure and chaste. We need to say, “I want to be pure and chaste for (name) and I know that God will help me.” And we must put that into practice.
When we try to fight the addiction on our own, we are sure to fail, because our strength is limited, and we’re up against the devil in this. His tactic is simple: If he can convince us to rely on our own strength, he can convince us that it is alright to give in bit by bit.
You can’t beat the habit on your own strength. If you don’t believe me, you can try. And you probably have been trying already. If you could beat it, you’d have beaten it already.
I find that it helps to have an accountability partner. An accountability partner is one who you are accountable to whenever you fail to keep chaste and pure. It should be someone that you can trust and he or she might be going through the same thing. Lots of people are addicted to pornography and masturbation these days. It is easy to find another person who does it. It is harder to find someone who trusts you enough to share his secret with you.
An accountability partner does more than keep an eye on you. My partner and I set up a system such that whenever we get tempted, no matter how subtle, we raise our guard and stay alert. Temptations can come from anywhere, even in church, and they are usually very subtle. But once you learn to recognise them, you can resist them. My partner and I talked a lot about this and we learnt to identify how these temptations seem to bypass our defenses.
Whenever we recognised these temptations in our daily life, we raised our guard immediately, because we knew where they was leading us to. And we SMS the other and ask him to pray for us. Prayer works. You can’t begin to fight this battle without prayer. Prayer is essentially the art of spiritual battle.
But a person can’t go to battle without an armor and a weapon. Here are a couple of scriptural verses that you can memorise or write down. Refer to them and pray them every time you’re tempted:
“You do not belong to yourselves but to God; he bought you for a price.” - 1 Corinthians 19-20
“I have made a solemn promise never to look with lust at any girl.” - Job 31:1
There are many more, but it’s up to you to go find them. In addition, it helps to learn more about the whole issue. You are just one victim, but it helps to equip yourself with the knowledge of what pornography is, the lies that it tell us and what it does to us. At the end of this article, you will find some links to websites with articles that I found very useful in my battle.
Like any other battles, sometimes you win, sometimes you lose. In the beginning you might lose some battles, but work together with your partner and together, you can overcome the enemy.
Don’t give up hope. It can be done. The way to win is to keeping getting up each time you’ve fallen. Keep relying on God for strength. Direct your sexual drive to other healthy avenues. Avoid places or situations that compromises your chastity and dignity. And above all, be open and say “yes” to God with all your strength, all your mind, all your soul, and all your heart. Receive the sacraments frequently. They will give you the grace you need to fight the battles.
And remember, you can’t do it alone. Rely on Jesus through prayer. It can be overcome, because Christ has set us free. We just need to accept that freedom and live it.
In summary,
1. You can’t beat the addiction on your own. You need help from God, and you need to admit that you need help from God.
2. An accountability partner helps a lot. He or she is one who prays for you when you are undergoing temptation, and you do the same for him or her.
3. You need to equip yourself properly for this spiritual battle. This means
4. The art of combat in this spiritual battle comes in the form of prayer. The more people praying for you, the better you will be able to resist temptation.
5. Sometimes you win the battle, sometimes you lose. But the only way to win the war against the addiction is to never give up hope, and continue to trust in God’s help.
6. Avoid situations in which you might be outnumbered or overwhelmed.
7. Receive the sacraments frequently.
8. Say “yes” to God with all of your being. One way of learning how to direct your sexual energies instead of clamping them down with “no”, is to read and learn about Pope John Paul II’s Theology of the Body.
Some useful links that are helpful in your battle against addiction to pornography and masturbation:
1. PornNoMore.com - http://www.pornnomore.com/
We are here to help anyone in need who recognizes the pain, agony, disconnection and inability to achieve normal socialization within their lives because of pornography - people who realize that their problems are rooted in inordinate desires of the flesh.
2. Dr Judith Reisman - http://www.drjudithreisman.org/
Dr Judith Reisman is sought worldwide to speak, lecture, testify, and counsel individuals, organizations, professionals, and governments regarding fraudulent sex scientists, sex education, and the power of effect of images and the monopoly media to alter human behaviour.
3. Online resource for dads - http://www.dads.org/
4. Theology of the Body Institute - http://www.theologyofthebody.org/
The love of man and woman “tends to rise ‘in ecstasy’ towards the Divine, to lead us beyond ourselves; yet for this very reason it calls for a path of ascent, renunciation, purification and healing.” - Benedict XVI, God Is Love, n.5
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Filed under: Chastity, Eucharist, FAQs, Holy Matrimony, Masturbation, Pornography, Reconciliation, Relationships, Sex
Why would anyone NOT want to masturbate? It’s completely normal, healthy and FUN! No side effects, more and more evidence of short and long term mental and physical benefits. Oh I know some religions (including your own) condemn it but there are times when you have to use your own common sense instead of obeying what everyone else is telling you to do. In my most humble opinion the Catholic Church would not be in it’s current state of moral and financial ruin if they had allowed priests to express their God given sexuality, at least through masturbation. Being allowed to have sex with partners or to marry would have been even better. Instead you have had tens of thousands of molestation cases, many with underage boys and girls. An absolute disgrace and at least part of the reason is obvious to us all! Sexual repression is NOT a good idea!
When I was a lad my best friend was Catholic and wanted me to join the Church. When I found out I couldn’t play with my penis any more, I said “I don’t think so dude!” or something like that and turned my back on religion. I will put my moral character up against any man of any religion but I have been masturbating all of my life and consider it one of the joys of life! I truly feel sorry for those who don’t! God bless us all, including us masturbators!
Dear Jarvis,
I used to think like you do. Then one day someone told me this story:
There was once a bunch of caterpillars who spent their entire days eating leaves. Every time they were done with one juicy leaf, they would move on to another leaf, chewing and munching until they were done with it. Then one day, a butterfly landed on the plant and looked down at the caterpillars.
“What manner of insect is this?” wondered the caterpillars.
“I’ve come to tell you that life is not all about eating leaves,” said the butterfly. “Look at me, I have wings that can take me places, see things that you cannot even imagine. You can be like me too.”
“Are there more leaves where you fly to?” asked the caterpillars.
“You won’t be eating leaves when you become like me,” said the butterfly. “You will be drinking the sweetest nectar you’ve ever tasted.”
At this point, some of the caterpillars lost interest. “There are no more leaves to eat,” they said to one another, for they have never heard of nectar before, nor have they ever tasted it, so they went back to munching and chewing. A pity, because if they had ever tasted nectar, they would not be eating leaves anymore. But the remaining caterpillars were still interested.
“You mean there are other things to eat?” they wondered. “What must we do to eat this ‘nectar’ you speak of?” they asked the butterfly.
“You spin yourselves a cocoon, and go sleep in it,” said the butterfly. “When you come out of it, you will be free to fly where you want, and drink the sweetest nectar where you want. And you will never have to eat leaves again.”
“No more leaves?!” exclaimed the caterpillars. “This is too difficult. We cannot accept it.”
And they turned away from the butterfly and returned to eating. The butterfly shook its head and took off. “One day they will understand,” it said to itself. “One day they will understand that there is more to life than eating leaves.”
******
In the same way, Jarvis, there is more to life than seeking one’s own physical pleasure through masturbation.
The caterpillars felt sorry for the butterfly because the butterfly didn’t see the joy of eating leaves the whole day long, just as you feel sorry for those who do not masturbate. But in truth, the butterfly has gone through that whole phase of eating leaves and is experiencing food far better than leaves. It has become a caterpillar fully alive in the form of a butterfly. Likewise, those who do not masturbate anymore have gone through the phase of masturbation, and are now experiencing humanity fully alive.
It is not that we have never gone through what you are experiencing. We have, and have since found something better. Hopefully, Jarvis, one day you will get to experience living a life of freedom as well, and taste all the sweetness that life truly has to offer.
It is so so sorrowful that we masturbators especially in the Catholic Church exist. I too have done it for over 8 years. I have tried to resist but in vain. Sometimes I win but still the next I fall. I just feel so good playing with my penis ohhhhh! But this is just worldly pleasure which merely passes and above all, against the natural order. The Church is totally against it and I am sure of this. How I acquired the idea I just don’t know.
Anyway, I do not give up. I have loved so much the testimony and advice of Fr. E. T. Let me try my best. I take courage. Am quite sure the Lord can never abandon me. He will lift me higher and higher as long as I humble myself before Him and display my nothingness.
Dear Bbaale,
I sense a kind of cynicism in your comment, although I could be wrong. Still, it is not enough to rely on God and expect him to do everything. We too need to play our part if we want to rid ourselves of this addiction. It is not easy, but it is possible, and the methods are easily available to us. The only question is whether we really want to give it up. Many of us don’t really want to… and that is the sad part.
God bless,
Catholic Writer
Jarvis if that is you source of happiness then you will never truly find happiness. You are having sex with yourself. Masturbation is a sin. It is not “normal”. If marriage and more sex is the answer then why do so many in marriages with plenty of sex still find themselves addicted to porn and masturbation? It’s an addiction, just like alcohol, drugs, gambling and eating addictions.
Hi Chris,
Thanks for sharing. But based on personal experience, it is not enough to say that masturbation is a sin, or that it is not normal, or that one will not find happiness with it. All this is still rather vague, because it doesn’t say how masturbating affects the one who masturbates.
The key lies in calling it a sin. A sin always harms someone. More than harming another person, a sin harms the one who commits it. For example, murder is a sin because it makes the one who commits it a murderer, as someone who devalues human life. Masturbation is a sin because it makes the one who commits it less able to relate to other people as persons, rather than objects to be used for one’s own sexual gratification.
People who are addicted to masturbation are therefore people who are less able to relate to other people properly, seeking instead to use them for their own pleasure. As such, no true love is possible between this person and another, for love seeks to give, not to use.
The real sin in masturbation comes when we realise that masturbation makes us unable to give and receive love. The real danger is realised when we find ourselves unable to form proper loving, lasting relationships with people.
Hope that helps your future discussions on masturbation.
God bless,
Catholic Writer
I posted before on masturbation and why I didn’t quite understand how the Catholic Church can condemn it so. Reading your coherent, thought out analysis of how it is detrimental to a person is certainly thought-provoking. Growing up, nobody explained it to me quite like that.
That has been one of my problems with Catholicism for a long time. There is a bumper sticker that sums it up completely:
“Feeling guilty for no reason? YOU’RE A CATHOLIC”
There was never any thought out rationale taught to me it was only “do it or burn in hell”. It’s good to hear that there at least some in Catholicism who understand their beliefs. I consider myself agnostic but I definitely am going to re-think the masturbation issue. Thanks!
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Thank you. You give me hope as I fall again and again.
You’re welcome, Aury! Victory of the enemy comes only when we give up. So long as we keep on getting up again, we will not have lost the war.
God bless,
Catholic Writer
One of my most ambitious goals is accomplishing a perfect repentance of masturbation and watching any pornography.i have climbed to a degree that the only sin i am capable of commiting is masturbation, and this is satans (devils) ultimate weapon.yes i do agree with you that without the help of god it is simply impossible but i donth think An accountability partner is neccesary so only god adequates.
[the best way to defeat it is praying for help -not watching any sort of porn-worshiping and reminding god when were alone(especialy in front of internet or satelite channels and ...)-in case of feeling h0rNy whispering your repentance or some verses and going out of home for a fresh air-doing sports or other distractions-NEVER giving up hope and always reminding that were doing a very big and important job and always repenting after commiting this sin-...]
in quran god states that any sort of ejaculation (s3xual activity) out side an authentic marriage is a sin and those who dont marry must resist until a time that god destroys their desires.and he also states that without the help of me no one could be virtuous.
some say because masturbation doest harm anybody or its safe and natural so it isnt a sin but what they dont know is that god had created us for this kind of tests so that he could seperate the true believers(more virtuous) from those who are less virtous.(when adam ate from the tree he didnt harm anybody but what he did was disobedience to god and the same goes to masturbati0n yes it is a sin ).
by the way have you ever noticed that after this sin you will face some punishments like badluck or fightings and tensions and so on!
vrm_5@yahoo is my email for any contact.