“Start loving yourself more”

In today’s second reading, the Apostle Paul reminds us that each and every Christian has received a gift meant for building up the Body of Christ. The Church especially needs the gifts of young people, all young people. She needs to grow in the power of the Spirit who even now gives joy to your youth and inspires you to serve the Lord with gladness. Open your hearts to that power! … Do not be afraid to say “yes” to Jesus, to find your joy in doing his will, giving yourself completely to the pursuit of holiness, and using all your talents in the service of others!

- Pope Benedict XVI’s homily at the Final Mass for World Youth Day 2008

As I returned to the office on Thursday, the second day after I came back to Singapore after World Youth Day, colleagues asked me how the trip was, to which I could only reply, “Very good!” on account of my very sore throat. But one colleague’s question was slightly different and it struck me. She asked, “How was your trip, spiritually?” To which I could only reply with a truthful, “Very good!”

Indeed this has been a very spiritual pilgrimage for me. One of the first things I learnt was at the FireBrandz Conference, held two days before the official Days in the Dioceses (DID) began. The DID are a lead-in to World Youth Day, where pilgrims are able to live with and interact with Australian Catholics in their respective dioceses. I was in Melbourne for my DID.

The FireBrandz Conference drew together pilgrims from seven countries to participate in a spiritual retreat held by ICPE in the fashion of charismatic renewal. During the conference, I gained two spiritual insights, the second of which would later be more clearly expressed during Days in the Dioceses and World Youth Day events themselves.

The first spiritual insight that I gained was that I needed to love myself more. I learnt that I don’t really like myself very much and that I often hurt myself physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

The spiritual abuse I sometimes inflict on myself revealed itself in the form of a desire to skip an important Mass held in Telstra Dome which brought together some 40,000 Catholic youths in Melbourne during that time. I almost skipped it, but fortunately I didn’t.

More importantly, I was able to recall the many times when I skipped Mass or deliberately stayed away from God not because I was making a statement or even because I was avoiding God, but because I wanted to hurt myself (by avoiding the good that a close relationship with God brings about).

I also recalled all the various times that I would hurt myself physically or emotionally because I don’t like myself. For example, I damage my body when I deliberately not sleep when I should, or when I overindulge in food when feeling down. I also frequently withdraw into solitude when I have been hurt, when I should actually seek out companionship.

I don’t claim to suddenly become aware of all the ways in which I’m hurting myself. What I am suddenly aware of is the hidden intentions of some of my actions, and how I have knowingly but subconsciously committed the sin of not loving myself.

As I attended Mass this morning at Church of Christ The King, one line in Father Robertus Sarwiseso’s final homily as assistant parish priest in this parish struck me. He said: “Every time you think you are doing God a favour, it is actually the other way around.” For me, in relation to this spiritual insight, it would be: “Every time you think you are hurting God, it is actually the other way around – you are hurting yourself.”

“Start loving yourself more,” was all the advice the priest had to give when I went for confession in Melbourne. And I promised the unknown priest that I would. That would include doing things that I know are good for me, even if my feelings didn’t agree with it at that time.

This spiritual insight was very important for me to learn as it prepared me to receive the second spiritual insight.